I just found that the act of writing is one of the honest things a man can do. A man writes only what he belives is true. A man who writes can never be hidden from anyone. Writer becomes a study manual for anybody who wishes to read and learn about him / her. This thought scared me: being known fully by your friends and foes!. I think every individuals wants to have some element of mystery in his personality but writer has more urge to tell then to hide.
Oscar Wilde said that give man a mask and he will tell you all about him. But I don’t want to wear any mask. What for? I want to tell the truth by being ‘me’.
My First Face: I am a son
The first thing which ever revealed upon me was that I am a son. I always looked up to my mother more than to my father. She always fulfilled my wishes. My father was more like a teacher for me. We had never enjoyed a good father-son relationship ever. We were either avoiding each other or were talking only about studying activities. Because my father was very strict to me . So as the law of averages works – my mother gave me more soft corner in her heart than the rest of her children. She would listen to me and also risked my father’s anger by surreptitiously giving me money to buy video games and all other undisciplined stuff. My father always used to ask whether I went to school and my mother always said ‘yes’ even though I stayed at home.
For my parents I am really humble and even if I misbehave I feel really ashamed when I am all alone. My biggest wish is that I may not hurt them and they don’t cry for me. I have seen many people who feel no concern for their parents and do what they like.
My Second Face: I am a student
In school days I had always been a bright student. Its another thing that schools in which I studied were not of quality education. But in that environment and facilities I had never disappointed my teachers. I remember, once I was caught red-handed as I was doing cheating. I knew the answers still I was cheating in a collision with my friends just to have fun. The purpose of doing cheating was to help my friends and show them that I am their good friend. My teacher didn’t punish me but she only said, “Waqar, I never expected this from you”. And this was a severe punishment for me. I hadn’t mind if she punished me physically but it hurt me more that I broke her trust.
My Third Face: I am a friend
I have the ability to make friends instantly but I am very bad in keeping them. After sometime of making friendship when I find that my friend is avoiding me or he thinks wrong about me or anything- I distance immediately. Thats what I am. I am very blunt at times as I want to have my space intact to express my opinions and this always sends a wrong message. The friends with whom I have sticked for years are those who have some emotional attachment with me. I only care for those who need me. Those people who happy, haughty, show-off, having superiority complex I stop being friend. I don’t harm anybody but the feeling of friendship never lasts for me.
My Fourth Face: I am not a good friend to many
Yes. There are people who think that I am not a good friend at all. To them I am someone who is biased, prejudiced and selfish. They always read hidden meaning in my conversation. For example, if I say, Good luck.. then they will consider it opposite. All those people who love to hangout more frequently to them I am not good friend. I don’t like roaming around streets are going for just having a company. I spent most of the time at home with family and books.
My Fifth face: I am a cousin:
For cousins, I am a good person. I help them if they need it. I think that they are my own extension. They will always be there for me when I will be in problems- at least sympathy wise.
My Sixth Face: I am a subordinate:
Honestly speaking I am not a good subordinate. My officers are never happy with my performance. I haven’t still figured out that what they want from me. I have tried many times that my relationship with my colleagues and superiors could improve but I unsuccessful in that. My officers think that I have close relations with the lower staff so I am not reliable. And the lower staff thinks that I am close to my boss and they also piss me off. I have also suffered the shock of being blamed for not being trustworthy. However, I have nothing done anything which could embarrass anybody. But still they don’t like me. Its just their humanity that they are letting me work here but actually they don’t think that I am that kind that should go on working. I have cried and have felt emotional pain for this. I have spent some 7 years here. I have been at job while I was sick. I was back on job just after three days of marriage. But they don’t appreciate it. They think its because my salary will be deducted. When I try to work hard I have been given the impression that I am trying to be over smart and when I adopt go-slow strategy; they say I am an underperformer. My struggle to make myself acceptable is always work -in- progress because this job is my sole surviving tool. And also because I am innocent.
My Seventh Face: I am a husband
Only my wife can tell that how good or bad husband I am. But since this is not possible now so you will have to rely over my narrative only. Lol. I always try to accomodate her wishes before mine. And I really really love her. I also have a feeling that she is partially suffering because of me. And I am trying to improve my life for her. I even think to make so so so money so that after my death she can live independtly without marrying anybody. I can’t restrict her but still I wish that she never marry again. Is it my love for her or selfishness? I have no idea about that. I asked one of my friend to answer it. He said that don’t overthink on this. Its natural that you love her.